So I've had some comments on my previous blog name as being no so great, so, rather than be practical, I've updated with a new name that plays with the idea that my days are spent following different futures (and also fits in with my being a fan of both The X-Men and The Moody Blues). When one future doesn't seem to pan out, another can take its place. I like the journey, so I will continue wandering down those future paths.
In the meantime, today I've uploaded my resume and application for a job as a student intern at Valley Medical Center. If it's full-time, fantastic, and if it's part-time, I can still do my EMT job (and hopefully not get too car sick).
I'm starting my journey towards the MCAT in May by beginning my online Kaplan prep course. Tomorrow I take my first MCAT diagnostic test. We'll see how that goes!
I'm also currently reading Inside Rehab: The Surprising Truth About Addiction Treatment--and How to Get Help That Works by Anne M. Fletcher. It's the true story of what really goes on in most programs, and how most still do not use current scientific methods or provide the help than many addicts really need (like help with their mental disorder more than the addiction itself). I find this a fascinating book that sounds a lot like what my ex went through. Too much dependence on group therapy and not enough individualized help. A "one size fits all" cookie-cutter approach that has far too high of relapse rates. I really hope I can help to move the psychiatric and addiction fields to the twenty-first century.
I also took a night off and read a book just for fun. Wow, it's been a couple years since I've done that! I read the last Sookie Stackhouse novel. Not great, but it was indeed fun. :)
Up for the next couple days: MCAT diagnostic and studying, reviewing OChem for next semester, and updating my gofundme page. Maybe a little begging, too. ;)
It's late, now, so I'm going off to sleep.
Thanks for stopping by!
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
Busy Semester, Time to Catch Up!
Well, let's see how quickly I can sum up this crazy semester.
I way overloaded myself with classes, volunteering, being a PLTL leader, and trying to fit in the job. So I'm very happy the semester is finished.
Job: Well, I had the occasional class or training before I even started my actual field training in mid-November. With no income during this time, I relied heavily on assistance from my mom (and get to start paying her back soon). I finally got to field training where I needed remedial gurney work (finally can lift it fairly regularly), and started my actual first day post-training three days ago. With only 20 hours of work in this week, I'm not looking at paying any bills off soon. I'm actually looking for another job that pays more. I also discovered I get car sick in the back of the rig. Ugh. No fun feeling nauseated while trying to comfort a patient! The best part of the job is caring for the patients, though, so I'm liking that aspect of the medical field. Which, of course, is the most important!
School: Yikes, but Organic Chemistry kicked my butt. I admit I was cocky the first month. The teacher said we'd need to review the material every day, but I'm an A student and know I could review once or twice a week. Boy, was I wrong! And even when I did start reviewing every day I still struggled. And it's frustrating as I love the material we're studying! There's just so much to stuff in the head so quickly, it sometimes gets jumbled on the tests. Anyway, I was doing well in all the non-test parts of class, so, worse case scenario is a C, most likely is a B, and in dreamland I will get an A. The good news is that I've committed to less for my spring semester, so I'm going to try to get my A in the next level of Organic Chemistry. And I'm reviewing and reading ahead over winter break.
Biology, on the other hand, suffered from my spending more time on OChem. I think there's a good chance I can still end up with an A, though. Worse case would be a B.
Job Shadowing: I had the opportunity to job shadow my primary physician for a couple days. It was a fantastic experience! Something and someone new through every door. I got to see a variety of ailments and how well my doctor worked with his patients. And learned a bit about the thought processes and what kinds of questions to ask the patient.
Freaking out: Yes, not having money to pay bills is freaking me out. I thought I'd make more as an EMT, but sadly that's not likely, at least in the first year or so. Sigh. Not giving up, though. Still trying to work my way through.
Anyway, that's a "brief" update on the last few months. Hopefully I'll make it on here a little more often now.
In the future:
Spring 2014 Classes: Organic Chemistry 12B, Psychology, and Kaplan MCAT preparation course
I way overloaded myself with classes, volunteering, being a PLTL leader, and trying to fit in the job. So I'm very happy the semester is finished.
Job: Well, I had the occasional class or training before I even started my actual field training in mid-November. With no income during this time, I relied heavily on assistance from my mom (and get to start paying her back soon). I finally got to field training where I needed remedial gurney work (finally can lift it fairly regularly), and started my actual first day post-training three days ago. With only 20 hours of work in this week, I'm not looking at paying any bills off soon. I'm actually looking for another job that pays more. I also discovered I get car sick in the back of the rig. Ugh. No fun feeling nauseated while trying to comfort a patient! The best part of the job is caring for the patients, though, so I'm liking that aspect of the medical field. Which, of course, is the most important!
School: Yikes, but Organic Chemistry kicked my butt. I admit I was cocky the first month. The teacher said we'd need to review the material every day, but I'm an A student and know I could review once or twice a week. Boy, was I wrong! And even when I did start reviewing every day I still struggled. And it's frustrating as I love the material we're studying! There's just so much to stuff in the head so quickly, it sometimes gets jumbled on the tests. Anyway, I was doing well in all the non-test parts of class, so, worse case scenario is a C, most likely is a B, and in dreamland I will get an A. The good news is that I've committed to less for my spring semester, so I'm going to try to get my A in the next level of Organic Chemistry. And I'm reviewing and reading ahead over winter break.
Biology, on the other hand, suffered from my spending more time on OChem. I think there's a good chance I can still end up with an A, though. Worse case would be a B.
Job Shadowing: I had the opportunity to job shadow my primary physician for a couple days. It was a fantastic experience! Something and someone new through every door. I got to see a variety of ailments and how well my doctor worked with his patients. And learned a bit about the thought processes and what kinds of questions to ask the patient.
Freaking out: Yes, not having money to pay bills is freaking me out. I thought I'd make more as an EMT, but sadly that's not likely, at least in the first year or so. Sigh. Not giving up, though. Still trying to work my way through.
Anyway, that's a "brief" update on the last few months. Hopefully I'll make it on here a little more often now.
In the future:
Spring 2014 Classes: Organic Chemistry 12B, Psychology, and Kaplan MCAT preparation course
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Ups and Downs of a Pre-Med Student: ACS Regional Conference, Tests (ugh), Unemployment Loss, Job Gain
So it's been a very busy month. I'm actually snagging five minutes to pop in and fill in some of my craziness of the last few weeks.
1) Organic Chemistry is a nightmare. And this really sucks, 'cause I really LOVE Organic Chemistry! It's like every molecule is a puzzle and I get to figure out what it's made of, how to name it, and how it looks in 3D. Sadly, though, I'm not connecting well with my instructor. My first quiz three weeks ago was a disaster. Made so much worse since we were rushing to complete lab (all of us had only two balances to share!), and I had about three minutes between lab and lecture, and we were told we had fifteen minutes to complete the quiz. My mind was rushing, I could not focus. This is not like me at all. I'm usually an excellent, very focused, test-taker. Sure enough, when I got the quiz back, it was horrible (12 out of 25). And I know looking back at it that if I hadn't been rushed, I would have gotten above 20. Sigh.
Then came the test two weeks later. I read every chapter. I attend lecture, take notes, really listen. I also have additional books I read and problems to work on to help me really "get it." And then the test comes, and suddenly it's like none of the problems we had in homework were hard enough, 'cause now we got the really hard problems. 66%. This is NOT me. Sigh.
So now I have to really double up and find the hard questions before the test so I can answer them all. This is a five unit class, but I'd swear I'm spending three times as much time on this one than on all my other five unit classes. This should really be a ten or fifteen unit class.
2) Biology: Loving it, but spending all my time on O Chem and my research project left bio in the lurch. And then my first test was yesterday. I haven't gotten it back, yet, but I know it's not good. I'm hoping for a B, but would not be shocked with a C! I had an interview two days ago, and spent my weekend studying for my interview as my unemployment ended three weeks ago, though I was just notified last week. So I have had major money problems on my mind through all this...
3) ACS Conference: So my research project is finally complete, and I presented it last Saturday at the American Chemistry Society Western Regional Conference. It was a fantastic experience and I received some great questions and comments.
4) JOB!: I got the job I interviewed for two days ago! I'll be an EMT for ProTransport 1 out of Palo Alto. I start on October 30th. So excited!!!
5) Pre-Med Club: As Co-President, I'm trying to get us AMSA chapterhood again. It's coming together!
6) UC Davis Pre-Medical Conference this coming weekend: Looking forward to attending and getting LOTS of information to help me along to medical school. Wish I had clones to make it to all the workshops!!
So, this has been the past month. I'm sure there will be many more adventures to come in the coming weeks!! Stay tuned!
1) Organic Chemistry is a nightmare. And this really sucks, 'cause I really LOVE Organic Chemistry! It's like every molecule is a puzzle and I get to figure out what it's made of, how to name it, and how it looks in 3D. Sadly, though, I'm not connecting well with my instructor. My first quiz three weeks ago was a disaster. Made so much worse since we were rushing to complete lab (all of us had only two balances to share!), and I had about three minutes between lab and lecture, and we were told we had fifteen minutes to complete the quiz. My mind was rushing, I could not focus. This is not like me at all. I'm usually an excellent, very focused, test-taker. Sure enough, when I got the quiz back, it was horrible (12 out of 25). And I know looking back at it that if I hadn't been rushed, I would have gotten above 20. Sigh.
Then came the test two weeks later. I read every chapter. I attend lecture, take notes, really listen. I also have additional books I read and problems to work on to help me really "get it." And then the test comes, and suddenly it's like none of the problems we had in homework were hard enough, 'cause now we got the really hard problems. 66%. This is NOT me. Sigh.
So now I have to really double up and find the hard questions before the test so I can answer them all. This is a five unit class, but I'd swear I'm spending three times as much time on this one than on all my other five unit classes. This should really be a ten or fifteen unit class.
2) Biology: Loving it, but spending all my time on O Chem and my research project left bio in the lurch. And then my first test was yesterday. I haven't gotten it back, yet, but I know it's not good. I'm hoping for a B, but would not be shocked with a C! I had an interview two days ago, and spent my weekend studying for my interview as my unemployment ended three weeks ago, though I was just notified last week. So I have had major money problems on my mind through all this...
3) ACS Conference: So my research project is finally complete, and I presented it last Saturday at the American Chemistry Society Western Regional Conference. It was a fantastic experience and I received some great questions and comments.
4) JOB!: I got the job I interviewed for two days ago! I'll be an EMT for ProTransport 1 out of Palo Alto. I start on October 30th. So excited!!!
5) Pre-Med Club: As Co-President, I'm trying to get us AMSA chapterhood again. It's coming together!
6) UC Davis Pre-Medical Conference this coming weekend: Looking forward to attending and getting LOTS of information to help me along to medical school. Wish I had clones to make it to all the workshops!!
So, this has been the past month. I'm sure there will be many more adventures to come in the coming weeks!! Stay tuned!
Friday, September 13, 2013
Where Does the Time Go? Seriously, Where!?
So classes started last week (the 3rd). I haven't stopped running, since. I can't imagine what I'll do once I get a job, since almost every moment is homework or school/volunteer related. But I will figure it all out.
I had my first interview with an ambulance company on the first day of school. I forgot one of the answers on the mini-test they gave me, and I royally screwed up on one part of the scenario (forgot to insert an OPA before rescue breathing). And then I forgot to get a business card and follow up. Well, I guess it's a warm-up interview. It HAS been awhile since my last interview...bound to be a little rusty. Hopefully one of the other companies will call me for an interview. Sigh. I just want to work, again!
Meanwhile, Organic Chemistry is a lot of fun, although I hear it gets much harder halfway through the semester. Hopefully I'll stay on top of it all. And my Biology class is fun, too, though I'm looking forward to moving up the chain of evolution to multi-celled organisms!
My volunteer work has shrunk to three hours a week instead of four for this semester. I'm trying not to ditch it entirely as I find it rewarding and fun to interact with patients and other volunteers. But I may take a day or two off on weeks of particularly difficult exams.
My first week as a leader for PLTL was unsatisfying. I shared one student with another leader the first day, and then had zero students for my next session. Hoping more will come out to seek some assistance. I'll be emailing the teachers this weekend to remind their students I'm waiting for them. :)
As if I'm not doing enough with all the above, I also am attending PLTL for Physics 2A to refresh my memory for the MCAT next May (even though I already took the class). And I've started working on my personal statement for when I sign up with AMCAS to start applying to medical schools.
My zazzle website is slow right now, and I'm not sure when I'll be able to add some more designs. But the items on there are looking for buyers! (http://www.zazzle.com/medscistuff)
Finally, as if being broke isn't enough, my kitty Starlight had a major constipation episode that ended up costing me over five hundred bucks and a sleepless night or two. Thankfully he's doing fine, now! In fact, he's sleeping on my pillow on my bed right this moment. :)
Looking forward to a very productive semester. And winter break! ;)
I had my first interview with an ambulance company on the first day of school. I forgot one of the answers on the mini-test they gave me, and I royally screwed up on one part of the scenario (forgot to insert an OPA before rescue breathing). And then I forgot to get a business card and follow up. Well, I guess it's a warm-up interview. It HAS been awhile since my last interview...bound to be a little rusty. Hopefully one of the other companies will call me for an interview. Sigh. I just want to work, again!
Meanwhile, Organic Chemistry is a lot of fun, although I hear it gets much harder halfway through the semester. Hopefully I'll stay on top of it all. And my Biology class is fun, too, though I'm looking forward to moving up the chain of evolution to multi-celled organisms!
My volunteer work has shrunk to three hours a week instead of four for this semester. I'm trying not to ditch it entirely as I find it rewarding and fun to interact with patients and other volunteers. But I may take a day or two off on weeks of particularly difficult exams.
My first week as a leader for PLTL was unsatisfying. I shared one student with another leader the first day, and then had zero students for my next session. Hoping more will come out to seek some assistance. I'll be emailing the teachers this weekend to remind their students I'm waiting for them. :)
As if I'm not doing enough with all the above, I also am attending PLTL for Physics 2A to refresh my memory for the MCAT next May (even though I already took the class). And I've started working on my personal statement for when I sign up with AMCAS to start applying to medical schools.
My zazzle website is slow right now, and I'm not sure when I'll be able to add some more designs. But the items on there are looking for buyers! (http://www.zazzle.com/medscistuff)
Finally, as if being broke isn't enough, my kitty Starlight had a major constipation episode that ended up costing me over five hundred bucks and a sleepless night or two. Thankfully he's doing fine, now! In fact, he's sleeping on my pillow on my bed right this moment. :)
Looking forward to a very productive semester. And winter break! ;)
Friday, August 23, 2013
Oops...that's a "Jennifer"
Yeah, I get that sometimes. It doesn't matter how well I do in school or work, or how many books I read, or, really how intelligent (or not) I am, I sometimes manage to show a side that thankfully doesn't tend to be dangerous so Darwinism won't actually take over...
Here a couple questions I've asked in the past (yeah, really!):
What's the name of that big yellow bird on Sesame Street?
What's the name of the lake at Lake Tahoe?
Sadly, I cannot say these sorts of things are rare. I only hope they don't come out in interviews or meetings or other important functions. After a moment or so of saying them, I usually do a quick thump on the forehead (duh!), but it's too late... the question went out. Sigh.
I've often tried to hold my own in the "insult game" with my ex, but, as a writer, he's far to quick-witted, and he usually caught me setting myself up for a good one. Needless to say, when I finally would stump him, it was a big celebration. :)
I like to think these "Jenniferisms" keep me humble. At least, I like to think that 'cause I'd rather they not make me look stupid. ;)
Still, one thing I've learned in theatre and in life is that laughing at yourself (and letting others laugh with you) is so much nicer than hitting oneself over the head. I'm sure I'll continue to let these silly words slip out of my mouth. Sometimes it takes a few seconds for my brain to catch up. But that's okay, the world can always use another laugh.
Here a couple questions I've asked in the past (yeah, really!):
What's the name of that big yellow bird on Sesame Street?
What's the name of the lake at Lake Tahoe?
Sadly, I cannot say these sorts of things are rare. I only hope they don't come out in interviews or meetings or other important functions. After a moment or so of saying them, I usually do a quick thump on the forehead (duh!), but it's too late... the question went out. Sigh.
I've often tried to hold my own in the "insult game" with my ex, but, as a writer, he's far to quick-witted, and he usually caught me setting myself up for a good one. Needless to say, when I finally would stump him, it was a big celebration. :)
I like to think these "Jenniferisms" keep me humble. At least, I like to think that 'cause I'd rather they not make me look stupid. ;)
Still, one thing I've learned in theatre and in life is that laughing at yourself (and letting others laugh with you) is so much nicer than hitting oneself over the head. I'm sure I'll continue to let these silly words slip out of my mouth. Sometimes it takes a few seconds for my brain to catch up. But that's okay, the world can always use another laugh.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Closer and Closer...
I've passed the NREMT and the DMV written ambulance driver test! Yay!!! Now I just need to certify with state and county on Monday, then send out my resumes. So excited to be close to working again!!
Also getting ready for school. Started reading my Organic Chemistry book to get a leg up before classes start. And reviewing physics for the MCAT next May. Why won't the physics I learned stay in my head??? Sigh.
Anyway, short term goal is close to completion, and long term goal is still going strong. Pretty happy right now. Hopefully I'll find some time this weekend to just "chill." :)
Enjoy your day!
Also getting ready for school. Started reading my Organic Chemistry book to get a leg up before classes start. And reviewing physics for the MCAT next May. Why won't the physics I learned stay in my head??? Sigh.
Anyway, short term goal is close to completion, and long term goal is still going strong. Pretty happy right now. Hopefully I'll find some time this weekend to just "chill." :)
Enjoy your day!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
NREMT: The Scary Test
So I took the NREMT on Saturday, and left thinking I failed. It didn't help that it asked me a question on peristalsis, which I didn't learn about in class and wasn't in the book (I double-checked when I got home). Unfortunately, it unsettled me for the rest of the exam. I didn't see where it said the question number I was on when I finished, but I think I was around the 80s. I was in there for 45 minutes or so. I waited on baited breath until Monday afternoon, when I found out I passed. Yay! Phew!!
So next step for me is the DMV ambulance test, which I have planned for tomorrow. Yes, I know that the five steps of defensive driving are knowledge, alertness, vision, judgement, and skill. Hopefully I know the rest of the handbook as well!
Today I had a lot of fun at Stanford. They had a training exercise for emergency responders, and I got made up to look "cool and clammy," suffering from hypoglycemia, alert and oriented only to my name. I would have loved to be one of the victims who had active bleeding..."blood" pumping from their wounds. Make-up is fun!
Anyway, still going forward towards my immediate goals, and picked up my MCAT physics book to start remembering the physics I'd learned for the longer goals...
Ciao for now!
So next step for me is the DMV ambulance test, which I have planned for tomorrow. Yes, I know that the five steps of defensive driving are knowledge, alertness, vision, judgement, and skill. Hopefully I know the rest of the handbook as well!
Today I had a lot of fun at Stanford. They had a training exercise for emergency responders, and I got made up to look "cool and clammy," suffering from hypoglycemia, alert and oriented only to my name. I would have loved to be one of the victims who had active bleeding..."blood" pumping from their wounds. Make-up is fun!
Anyway, still going forward towards my immediate goals, and picked up my MCAT physics book to start remembering the physics I'd learned for the longer goals...
Ciao for now!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Ugh! The Costs, the Costs!!!
Sigh. So I got my Livescan fingerprints done for the DMV ambulance driver test: $56.00. And I just realized I need to get ANOTHER Livescan when I go get my EMT certificate. Not sure how much that one will be. I'm freaking out a little bit over money right now. Here I thought I'd take a class and then get a job. I had no idea I'd be spending so much before seeing a days work! Hrmph. Hopefully I'll get this all done and then be able to start paying my bills down again.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Prepping for the NREMT exam
So I am amazed at the cost of being an EMT, especially considering starting wages aren't much above minimum wage. Sigh. Besides the class, the books, the uniform, and the time and energy of accomplishing completing the class, there are then some more hoops to jump through. Thankfully I'm eager to jump through some hoops, although I do wish these hoops were just a little cheaper. Sigh.
Here are some totals:
Class and all class materials (including books and uniform): about $550.00
Physical exam from my doctor for DMV ambulance driver test: $185.00 (with 10% cash discount)
Ambulance driver handbook: $5.00
Ambulance driver test: $25.00
NREMT national exam: $70.00
LiveScan fingerprints for DMV test: $20.00
State certification fee: $75.00
County certification fee: $50.00
Accomplishment and Chance to be a Working EMT: Priceless!!
I've got my NREMT exam scheduled for this coming Saturday, August 10th, at 4pm. I'm doing some major studying this week while I also start my research on the project I was supposed to be done researching by the end of July. Good thing my teacher understands so I can work on it these next two weeks. :)
If all goes well, I hope to take the DMV ambulance driver's test by the following Friday, pay my state and county fees on Monday or Tuesday after that, and then start sending out my resumes. Hoping to start work before the Fall semester starts, so I can kinda get used to the job a little...
I'm also throwing in a few pictures from my EMT class. That's me in the collar sitting down. Fun times!!
Here are some totals:
Class and all class materials (including books and uniform): about $550.00
Physical exam from my doctor for DMV ambulance driver test: $185.00 (with 10% cash discount)
Ambulance driver handbook: $5.00
Ambulance driver test: $25.00
NREMT national exam: $70.00
LiveScan fingerprints for DMV test: $20.00
State certification fee: $75.00
County certification fee: $50.00
Accomplishment and Chance to be a Working EMT: Priceless!!
I've got my NREMT exam scheduled for this coming Saturday, August 10th, at 4pm. I'm doing some major studying this week while I also start my research on the project I was supposed to be done researching by the end of July. Good thing my teacher understands so I can work on it these next two weeks. :)
If all goes well, I hope to take the DMV ambulance driver's test by the following Friday, pay my state and county fees on Monday or Tuesday after that, and then start sending out my resumes. Hoping to start work before the Fall semester starts, so I can kinda get used to the job a little...
I'm also throwing in a few pictures from my EMT class. That's me in the collar sitting down. Fun times!!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
EMT Class: Passing with Flying Colors and one hiccup...
So I finished my skills testing today in my EMT class. We had seven stations. In this case, we had medical assessment, trauma assessment, spinal immobilization (supine), bleeding control, AED/CPR, BVM on an apneic patient, and oxygen via non-rebreather mask.
My first round was trauma. I was so nervous! But I passed within the time limit and was much relieved. Second was non-rebreather mask... very confident and jammed right through it. Next was spinal immobilization. Arrgh! I wrestled with the c-collar for too long and ran out of time at the end. I would have likely finished 30 seconds to a minute later, but, alas, time was called. My mood drooped. :(
Next I went on to AED/CPR, where I felt very confident and went through it very well. Bleeding control went well. Such a sweet woman testing us! Finally, medical assessment was a little dodgy, though I did complete all the requirements and passed. Mostly, I failed to ask the large amount of detailed questions I just couldn't think of to go with abdominal pain. After speaking with our tester, I now know a variety of questions to ask to help pinpoint the reason, and will be more confident in the future.
Restested the spinal immobilization, realized I'd been measuring the c-collar wrong, and aced it the second round.
Phew!
Graduation day tomorrow, then study for the NREMT exam in two more weeks.
Goals are being met! Yay!
My first round was trauma. I was so nervous! But I passed within the time limit and was much relieved. Second was non-rebreather mask... very confident and jammed right through it. Next was spinal immobilization. Arrgh! I wrestled with the c-collar for too long and ran out of time at the end. I would have likely finished 30 seconds to a minute later, but, alas, time was called. My mood drooped. :(
Next I went on to AED/CPR, where I felt very confident and went through it very well. Bleeding control went well. Such a sweet woman testing us! Finally, medical assessment was a little dodgy, though I did complete all the requirements and passed. Mostly, I failed to ask the large amount of detailed questions I just couldn't think of to go with abdominal pain. After speaking with our tester, I now know a variety of questions to ask to help pinpoint the reason, and will be more confident in the future.
Restested the spinal immobilization, realized I'd been measuring the c-collar wrong, and aced it the second round.
Phew!
Graduation day tomorrow, then study for the NREMT exam in two more weeks.
Goals are being met! Yay!
Monday, July 29, 2013
Made it to the end, so far...
So I've passed my written exam in my EMT class (94%, yay!). Very worried, though, 'cause the Skills final is this Wednesday. I find skills more nerve-wracking than written exams. But practicing lots, both with the equipment and without (though it's much easier with it).
I also finished my ride-along recently. I can't give any details, but I can say I really enjoyed the experience and look forward to working in the field. Oh, and that apparently my childhood car sickness never permanently went away... At least it only went to nausea and no further! :O
Managed to get back on my bike last week for eight miles, hope to get in a bunch more riding this August while I'm not in class.
And, finally, I have to get back to my research project, due in early August, which I haven't touched in the last month 'cause I've been focusing so much on my summer class. Busy, busy, busy! But "good" busy!! :)
Looking forward to a slight break before the Fall semester.
Ciao for now.
I also finished my ride-along recently. I can't give any details, but I can say I really enjoyed the experience and look forward to working in the field. Oh, and that apparently my childhood car sickness never permanently went away... At least it only went to nausea and no further! :O
Managed to get back on my bike last week for eight miles, hope to get in a bunch more riding this August while I'm not in class.
And, finally, I have to get back to my research project, due in early August, which I haven't touched in the last month 'cause I've been focusing so much on my summer class. Busy, busy, busy! But "good" busy!! :)
Looking forward to a slight break before the Fall semester.
Ciao for now.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
A Little Help, Please
So, I finally gave in and started a fundraising campaign to help me make it to medical school. I have mixed feelings about it, but then I thought some more and realized others were doing fundraisers so why shouldn't I try? It can't hurt, and it might help.
I'd be happy if I only got a hundred, but I'm aiming higher. I'd love it if everyone I know donated a dollar. I will pay anything I make forward once I get through medical school. I just need some help through this tough time in my life. My goals are straightforward, though, and I'm working towards those dreams. I'm currently doing very well in school (one B, the rest are A's), and am pretty sure I'll be able to get into a medical school somewhere, even if it isn't my dream school (Stanford). But I'll try there, first!
Thanks for considering sponsoring me!
http://www.gofundme.com/3jxr34
Jennifer
I'd be happy if I only got a hundred, but I'm aiming higher. I'd love it if everyone I know donated a dollar. I will pay anything I make forward once I get through medical school. I just need some help through this tough time in my life. My goals are straightforward, though, and I'm working towards those dreams. I'm currently doing very well in school (one B, the rest are A's), and am pretty sure I'll be able to get into a medical school somewhere, even if it isn't my dream school (Stanford). But I'll try there, first!
Thanks for considering sponsoring me!
http://www.gofundme.com/3jxr34
Jennifer
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Why so sleepy?
Today we worked on backboarding in EMT class. I now know how to put a patient onto a backboard to maintain c-spine. It was a lot of fun learning this skill. We have a great bunch of students and instructors.
I'm wondering if working outside with the backboarding is what's now making me so sleepy. Still, no time for napping, I got stuff to do, and a quiz to study for!
The last few weeks of class have been busy. I know lots more, and I've been through a bit of ups and downs. Two weeks ago I went through about two days of depression due to both class and home issues, but then my meds kicked back in (and rational thinking took over) and I was back to myself again.
I'm having a hard time figuring out how I'm going to move on August 1st. I have money for a security deposit, but not the first month's rent. And beginning EMTs only make a little above minimum wage, so I may be tight for the first six months. May have to consider postponing a semester or two to work two jobs, but I'm thinking I'm going to try a fundraising website first. I figure it can't hurt and might help, so why not?
Anyway, got my assignment for my ride-along for EMT class. Looking forward to it! Won't be able to give any specifics due to HIPAA, but I anticipate being able to tell if I liked it (which I think I will). So we'll see in the coming weeks...
I'm wondering if working outside with the backboarding is what's now making me so sleepy. Still, no time for napping, I got stuff to do, and a quiz to study for!
The last few weeks of class have been busy. I know lots more, and I've been through a bit of ups and downs. Two weeks ago I went through about two days of depression due to both class and home issues, but then my meds kicked back in (and rational thinking took over) and I was back to myself again.
I'm having a hard time figuring out how I'm going to move on August 1st. I have money for a security deposit, but not the first month's rent. And beginning EMTs only make a little above minimum wage, so I may be tight for the first six months. May have to consider postponing a semester or two to work two jobs, but I'm thinking I'm going to try a fundraising website first. I figure it can't hurt and might help, so why not?
Anyway, got my assignment for my ride-along for EMT class. Looking forward to it! Won't be able to give any specifics due to HIPAA, but I anticipate being able to tell if I liked it (which I think I will). So we'll see in the coming weeks...
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Thoughts on leadership
So I didn't make squad leader in my EMT class. They made their decisions off of the first three classes, and the only thing they said was they were looking for high scores and leadership quality. I don't know why I didn't qualify. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. Sometimes I feel as though I get overlooked, like people don't see my qualities at first, but then discover that I had those qualities all along. I think I must perpetuate it somehow, but I since I don't know how, I can't fix it. I'm one of the top people in my EMT class. I read all the chapters for the week on the weekend before and practice constantly. I like helping out others who have a harder time getting the material. I want out squad to get together, bond, and practice. But it's not up to me. I try to urge things as a team member (anyone want to meet for coffee after?), but so far no one's been up for it.
I remember the time I was in 42nd Street and for some reason they cast me as swing dancer (like the understudy for the whole chorus). After a few rehearsals, they realized I really knew how to tap dance (seven years of private lessons helped), and they ended up putting me in a few of the musical numbers in addition to acting as swing.
I feel like I get underestimated a lot, and it's frustrating. Of course, it would be really handy if I was a spy or something, but I'm not. I'm a goal-oriented woman who puts a lot of work into what she does and is proud of it. And wants to help others, too. Sigh. Since this has been going on my whole life, I don't think it will change. But if anyone knows what's going on, I'd love you to enlighten me!
Anyway, EMT class is getting harder, now, that we no longer follow our sheets but start to incorporate a variety of illnesses, traumas, and scenarios. More thinking on the feet. But it's so much FUN!
At this point, I'll keep having fun, learning, helping out, and hoping our squad finds that team spirit soon.
I remember the time I was in 42nd Street and for some reason they cast me as swing dancer (like the understudy for the whole chorus). After a few rehearsals, they realized I really knew how to tap dance (seven years of private lessons helped), and they ended up putting me in a few of the musical numbers in addition to acting as swing.
I feel like I get underestimated a lot, and it's frustrating. Of course, it would be really handy if I was a spy or something, but I'm not. I'm a goal-oriented woman who puts a lot of work into what she does and is proud of it. And wants to help others, too. Sigh. Since this has been going on my whole life, I don't think it will change. But if anyone knows what's going on, I'd love you to enlighten me!
Anyway, EMT class is getting harder, now, that we no longer follow our sheets but start to incorporate a variety of illnesses, traumas, and scenarios. More thinking on the feet. But it's so much FUN!
At this point, I'll keep having fun, learning, helping out, and hoping our squad finds that team spirit soon.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
EMT Class is Intensive
Since the EMT class is 18 weeks squished into 9 for the summer, there are lots of things we learn and need to retain every day. Thankfully I'm constantly running through the information, so when I was called up to be the first to do a primary and secondary assessment in front of the class, I actually had it down. Whew!
If I'm just not busy enough with class, I still need to set up an MCAT study group. I'm still planning on taking it next May, so I need to start that soon as well.
And on top of all this, I'm still attempting to move out by the first of July with my three cats... even though I have no prospects for a place or enough monthly income to easily pay for it. Sigh.
Still, head high, foraging through, and keeping my eye on the goals ahead. In such a busy summer, goals are what keep me sane.
If I'm just not busy enough with class, I still need to set up an MCAT study group. I'm still planning on taking it next May, so I need to start that soon as well.
And on top of all this, I'm still attempting to move out by the first of July with my three cats... even though I have no prospects for a place or enough monthly income to easily pay for it. Sigh.
Still, head high, foraging through, and keeping my eye on the goals ahead. In such a busy summer, goals are what keep me sane.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
EMT Class - First Week
Well, I got my grade back for Biology. Whew...got my "A." Still waiting on pins and needles for my chemistry grade...should hear by June 10th at the latest.
Volunteering at Kaiser is going well. This last Tuesday I had to stand in as a greeter for an hour. Had a great time, but needed to remind myself not to say "Goodbye, and come back and see us again." Too much retail in my background, I think!
And I started my EMT class this week. Since it's a summer class, we're squishing 18 weeks of training into 9 weeks. We started running on Monday and haven't stopped. I know how to do a basic primary assessment and I'm working on the secondary assessment... Heard the scary stories of being an EMT and our need for safety... and working on how to check vital signs. It's actually a lot of fun immersing myself in all of this information and looking forward to the day I can start working!
Trying to find some time this summer to start an MCAT study group, too. Need to get on that to take the test next May.
Staying positive!
Volunteering at Kaiser is going well. This last Tuesday I had to stand in as a greeter for an hour. Had a great time, but needed to remind myself not to say "Goodbye, and come back and see us again." Too much retail in my background, I think!
And I started my EMT class this week. Since it's a summer class, we're squishing 18 weeks of training into 9 weeks. We started running on Monday and haven't stopped. I know how to do a basic primary assessment and I'm working on the secondary assessment... Heard the scary stories of being an EMT and our need for safety... and working on how to check vital signs. It's actually a lot of fun immersing myself in all of this information and looking forward to the day I can start working!
Trying to find some time this summer to start an MCAT study group, too. Need to get on that to take the test next May.
Staying positive!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Where I am now...
So I've now finished three semesters of science classes (Physics, General Chemistry, and my first Biology class). It's been a tough road, since I'm still unemployed. The MCAT is still a year away. I've wrestled to keep my grades up (Physics blew my mind), but so far I'm still mostly in the "A" range. I'm a member of the campus ACS club (American Chemical Society), and I'm the Science and Health Club vice president.
While keeping up my grades, I've also been looking for work. I decided this spring to look into becoming an EMT as I'd have fairly good pay, insurance, and skills I can use in medical school. I start my EMT class this Monday.
I've also dealt with other challenges. Being completely broke and needing to find a new place to live. I've got three cats, and no money, so my prospects look dim. Still, I'm trying to find a solution to all this while I keep up my grades for EMT class, prep for my fall classes (Bio 4B, Organic Chemistry), and start to study for my MCAT...and continue to look for work as Unemployment requires. Sigh. Now I need to squeeze in time for exercise!
While keeping up my grades, I've also been looking for work. I decided this spring to look into becoming an EMT as I'd have fairly good pay, insurance, and skills I can use in medical school. I start my EMT class this Monday.
I've also dealt with other challenges. Being completely broke and needing to find a new place to live. I've got three cats, and no money, so my prospects look dim. Still, I'm trying to find a solution to all this while I keep up my grades for EMT class, prep for my fall classes (Bio 4B, Organic Chemistry), and start to study for my MCAT...and continue to look for work as Unemployment requires. Sigh. Now I need to squeeze in time for exercise!
An introduction to my career change decision
Back in January of 2012, I wrote this:
I have depression. It tends to flair up after very justified crises, but it hits hard and fast when it does. As each crisis hits, I got a little more “down” until I finally hit my bottom.
Twice before (divorce, job loss), I was depressed enough that I took an antidepressant until I felt well enough to go off of it and continue my life without depression. But all it took was one more crisis to throw me back into the depths of sadness.
For the most part, I’ve not quite been myself for the last couple years. I’ve performed as an actress in a few fantastic shows, gotten involved in bicycling when I was unemployed, and then found a job as an associate merchant for a hardware store. I thought that last one was a good thing. But my mind played tricks on me.
Setting the stage: I wanted to be a professional actress since I was in first grade. I majored in acting in college, moved to Los Angeles, and went to acting school. While I did not break into professional acting, I did do well on my “day job” working as a merchandising assistant in the toys department of a large company and loved the idea of staying in merchandising and getting to be the merchant who gets to choose which toys to make and put on shelves each quarter. Sadly, the company I was working for was sold to another company, and this new company moved me over to the sourcing department as a production manager. I made sure the toys were made on time and to the right specifications and reported directly to the buyer. There was no creativity in this job, and I tried repeatedly to move to a different area where I could be more creative. I thought that talking with the HR department would be a “team work” thing where a good employee could have assistance in switching to a new department. I guess I was wrong.
The problem was that I was very good in my job as a production manager. I ended up moving to the the table top and home decor department and helped train all the other production managers. I was the computer super-user, and several buyers mentioned they’d love to have me as their production manager. And when the company was sold again, back to the original company, I was so excited to be moving there where I thought I’d have those opportunities again. Instead, because of my previous discussions with HR about switching departments, I was part of the first wave of employees laid off in the game of merging companies.
So after trying to find work in a difficult economy and moving back home with my mom to save some money on unemployment, I finally got a job as an associate buyer in the merchandising department at a hardware store. I thought I’d get to do what I’d wanted to do back in the old company and learn to be a merchant. Instead, I realized this company offered no real training. They just throw you in and hope you learn. I did pretty well with this, thought I was certainly frustrated. I also realized I was not as passionate about hardware as I was for toys or housewares. But I worked my butt off when we opened a new store, staying as late as I needed to and killing my feet walking on the cement floors all day trying to load the store shelves in the two-and-a-half weeks we’d been given before opening. About two weeks after opening, I was told the company was removing the position of associate buyer, and I had a choice to take a demotion to a merchandising assistant position or leave the company. In this economy, I knew I could not quit my job. All my friends and family echoed this sentiment. But I had one last hope: I had applied for a position in the new global sourcing department. Sourcing was now my area of confidence as I’d been doing that for the last four years of my last job. I felt confident that I could get this job, a promotion from the associate position I was being forced to leave.
While all of this job upheaval was going on, I was also dealing with a good friend, my ex-husband, as he spent a year in a manic and depressive state. He attempted suicide twice, and I tried to pull him out of his depression with little success. And right around the time of his second attempt, another friend of mine succeeded in committing suicide. By this time, with my demotion in sight, my depression hit hard and I, too, was feeling suicidal. After a month of dealing with the sadness, I finally saw my doctor and got back on that antidepressant. One thing he said to me was that if I ever felt imminently suicidal, that I should go to Good Samaritan Hospital’s emergency room and tell them so. He asked me to promise him this. I did, but I figured the antidepressant would do its work.
All was not well. It takes a month or so for the medicine to take hold, and in that month I held out hope for that promotion. Then, on a Friday in early November of 2011, I found out that another assistant was leaving and they wanted me to take over her work in addition to mine until they found a replacement. So now I was making less money, had no feelings of accomplishment, and I was supposed to do two jobs. That same day I was told I did not get the promotion as they wanted someone who’d actually travelled to China before. Also, there were still three people working as associate buyers, so obviously they had not gotten rid of the position. But no one ever told me if I did anything wrong. Indeed, they told me I did a great job. But why the demotion?
That weekend passed quickly. I considered taking up an addiction to drugs or alcohol, as other family members have dealt with in the past and present. But my logical mind said that would be worse. I would spend money I didn’t have and feel much worse in moments of clarity. So a slow death by drugging myself was out of the question.
By Monday morning, I was completely distraught. Everyone told me I couldn’t quit. But I couldn’t go in to work, either. I could not put one step over the threshold of my job. I had one thought only: suicide. I was stuck in a job I hated; I no longer felt accomplished in a diminished position; I was making less money so the idea of eventually owning a new car and a new home seemed further away than ever and were a weak attempt of replacing the dream of an acting career, anyway. I had a plan in my head that I would go out to a beautiful hiking spot, very high up, and have a few moments of flight before ending it all. I also knew that I would not do an “attempt” as I’d spend years of anguish living with my ex-husband’s threats and attempts at suicide, and I didn’t want to put my family through that roller coaster.
The good news is that I followed my doctor’s advice. Instead of driving to work that Monday morning, I drove myself to the hospital and told them I had a suicidal plan. It was quiet in the emergency room that morning, and they took me right in. I was asked a bunch of questions for intake. I cried a lot. I was given my own box of tissues and taken back to a bed in the emergency room. A guard was brought in to the outside door of the room to be sure I didn’t hurt myself. They asked me if I had anything dangerous on me, but I had only brought my keys, cell phone, and wallet. So they didn’t have me change out of my clothes, but just let me rest there in the room, with occasional stops in for things like getting my blood to make sure I had no alcohol in my system.
While sitting there on the bed and ruminating about my fate in life and how I had nothing to look forward to, I texted my mother to let her know I was “fine” but in the hospital. Not the best way for me to go about it as I think she still panicked a bit. She drove straight there to be with me while we waited to hear from the doctor. I felt her support more than ever that morning. And, indeed, my whole family rallied round via phone calls and texts. It helped to feel the love.
After a few hours in the hospital, they decided I was dealing well enough that I could be discharged, so I went home with explicit instructions to call the PHP program at Good Samaritan’s Mission Oaks hospital a few blocks away. I was also given a note by the doctor that I didn’t have to go back to work for three days. I got home,made the call, and got my appointment with intake for two days away, Wednesday.
After a day and half of relief at not going to work and yet misery in depression, I made it to two appointments that Wednesday. I saw my primary care doctor who doubled my dose of anti-depressant, and I went to intake for the mental health program at the hospital. I was to start the program there the next day, Thursday, at nine in the morning. And I was to go on disability so I would not have to go back to work for a couple months.
The next two weeks was a routine of making it to the program at nine a.m. Monday through Friday. The first fifty minutes included a guided visualization to bring us into the moment of being there each morning and a check-in for each of us in which we answered such questions as what level was our mood (on a scale from one to ten), have we taken our medications as directed, and what topics did we want to bring up in group that day.
After a ten minute break, the ten o’clock class was a group process class with the therapist in which we would discuss our topics and jump in with comments, examples, or advice as needed. It was a fantastic place to work through the problems that beset us.
At eleven in the morning, we had our class. The therapist would go over our thought processes and how to change our way of thinking and looking at things by using cognitive behavioral therapy.
We got an hour lunch, then another process group, and then one more class, often in dialectical behavioral therapy. We were done by three in the afternoon.
After two weeks of this routine, in which we also developed goals and worked through the problems we were dealing with, I was moved to half-day, which meant I was out at noon. I had three weeks of half-days.
Also, throughout this time, I would occasionally be pulled out to be seen by the nurse, or one of the therapists, or the psychiatrist I was assigned to while in the program. We fine-tuned my medications, and I was glad to only need two (and one, to help me with sleeping, is only temporary).
I bonded with everyone in the program. We had people dealing with depression, schizo-affective disorder, bipolar, post-traumatic stress, and anxiety. I was amazed how I would click with someone I never would have thought I would. Many of the other folks were dealing with vocational stress, and we all supported each other. I was able to help others while getting help myself. And, slowly, I started to get my energy back. Things no longer seemed so overwhelming. I felt I could start looking for work again, since I knew I did not want to go back to the hardware store. And I did. But even better, I started to look at what I wanted a new career to be. I was not happy in retail. I didn’t feel creative at all, and I needed a career that either gave me that creativity or allowed me to feel as though I was contributing to society in some meaningful way.
Now that I was ready to start facing the world again, I thought about how I was touched by mental illness so much in my life. So many of my friends and family suffer from depression, manic depression, and chemical dependency. I’d like to help people dealing with these issues. I considered becoming a therapist, but I also knew I wanted a career where I could make some real money, and if I just went that extra step, I could be both therapist and doctor. Only about one percent of psychiatrists also do therapy, but I could be one of those. Or, at the very least, I could be a doctor with a little more “heart” than some of the psychiatrists I’d met over the years. I always loved science, though the last such class I’d had was astronomy twenty-two years ago. But with my new energy, I realized I could go back to school, get my science prerequisites, and apply to medical school. I can be a psychiatrist by the time I’m fifty-one. And, while I complete my prerequisites, I need a job that’s truly nine to five and still pays well. Well, by golly, I have one. At the hardware store. Instead of looking at it as being stuck in a demotion, I now look at it as choosing the job that gives me the money and time to get to med school.
I graduated from the therapy program today. I received a bright yellow certificate that states I completed the process. Everyone in the group spoke up and mentioned how I’d inspired them. They loved my smile and my laugh and my positive temperament. They hope to be in that same mental place when they graduate. I told them they will be. Everyone I’d seen graduate before me was in a better mental state than when they arrived. The program works.
I have the tools, now, to put up needed boundaries and put myself first so that I can truly help others. I know how to talk myself out of negative thoughts. I know how to take baby steps to not allow myself to feel overwhelmed. I know how to say “no.” I’m excited to begin a new journey in my life. While I will miss acting, as I won’t have the time to do so while preparing for and being in med school, I know I’ll get back to it after I graduate with twice the passion for it as I have now. And, more importantly, I have a new career ahead of me. It’s a fantastic one.
I have depression. It tends to flair up after very justified crises, but it hits hard and fast when it does. As each crisis hits, I got a little more “down” until I finally hit my bottom.
Twice before (divorce, job loss), I was depressed enough that I took an antidepressant until I felt well enough to go off of it and continue my life without depression. But all it took was one more crisis to throw me back into the depths of sadness.
For the most part, I’ve not quite been myself for the last couple years. I’ve performed as an actress in a few fantastic shows, gotten involved in bicycling when I was unemployed, and then found a job as an associate merchant for a hardware store. I thought that last one was a good thing. But my mind played tricks on me.
Setting the stage: I wanted to be a professional actress since I was in first grade. I majored in acting in college, moved to Los Angeles, and went to acting school. While I did not break into professional acting, I did do well on my “day job” working as a merchandising assistant in the toys department of a large company and loved the idea of staying in merchandising and getting to be the merchant who gets to choose which toys to make and put on shelves each quarter. Sadly, the company I was working for was sold to another company, and this new company moved me over to the sourcing department as a production manager. I made sure the toys were made on time and to the right specifications and reported directly to the buyer. There was no creativity in this job, and I tried repeatedly to move to a different area where I could be more creative. I thought that talking with the HR department would be a “team work” thing where a good employee could have assistance in switching to a new department. I guess I was wrong.
The problem was that I was very good in my job as a production manager. I ended up moving to the the table top and home decor department and helped train all the other production managers. I was the computer super-user, and several buyers mentioned they’d love to have me as their production manager. And when the company was sold again, back to the original company, I was so excited to be moving there where I thought I’d have those opportunities again. Instead, because of my previous discussions with HR about switching departments, I was part of the first wave of employees laid off in the game of merging companies.
So after trying to find work in a difficult economy and moving back home with my mom to save some money on unemployment, I finally got a job as an associate buyer in the merchandising department at a hardware store. I thought I’d get to do what I’d wanted to do back in the old company and learn to be a merchant. Instead, I realized this company offered no real training. They just throw you in and hope you learn. I did pretty well with this, thought I was certainly frustrated. I also realized I was not as passionate about hardware as I was for toys or housewares. But I worked my butt off when we opened a new store, staying as late as I needed to and killing my feet walking on the cement floors all day trying to load the store shelves in the two-and-a-half weeks we’d been given before opening. About two weeks after opening, I was told the company was removing the position of associate buyer, and I had a choice to take a demotion to a merchandising assistant position or leave the company. In this economy, I knew I could not quit my job. All my friends and family echoed this sentiment. But I had one last hope: I had applied for a position in the new global sourcing department. Sourcing was now my area of confidence as I’d been doing that for the last four years of my last job. I felt confident that I could get this job, a promotion from the associate position I was being forced to leave.
While all of this job upheaval was going on, I was also dealing with a good friend, my ex-husband, as he spent a year in a manic and depressive state. He attempted suicide twice, and I tried to pull him out of his depression with little success. And right around the time of his second attempt, another friend of mine succeeded in committing suicide. By this time, with my demotion in sight, my depression hit hard and I, too, was feeling suicidal. After a month of dealing with the sadness, I finally saw my doctor and got back on that antidepressant. One thing he said to me was that if I ever felt imminently suicidal, that I should go to Good Samaritan Hospital’s emergency room and tell them so. He asked me to promise him this. I did, but I figured the antidepressant would do its work.
All was not well. It takes a month or so for the medicine to take hold, and in that month I held out hope for that promotion. Then, on a Friday in early November of 2011, I found out that another assistant was leaving and they wanted me to take over her work in addition to mine until they found a replacement. So now I was making less money, had no feelings of accomplishment, and I was supposed to do two jobs. That same day I was told I did not get the promotion as they wanted someone who’d actually travelled to China before. Also, there were still three people working as associate buyers, so obviously they had not gotten rid of the position. But no one ever told me if I did anything wrong. Indeed, they told me I did a great job. But why the demotion?
That weekend passed quickly. I considered taking up an addiction to drugs or alcohol, as other family members have dealt with in the past and present. But my logical mind said that would be worse. I would spend money I didn’t have and feel much worse in moments of clarity. So a slow death by drugging myself was out of the question.
By Monday morning, I was completely distraught. Everyone told me I couldn’t quit. But I couldn’t go in to work, either. I could not put one step over the threshold of my job. I had one thought only: suicide. I was stuck in a job I hated; I no longer felt accomplished in a diminished position; I was making less money so the idea of eventually owning a new car and a new home seemed further away than ever and were a weak attempt of replacing the dream of an acting career, anyway. I had a plan in my head that I would go out to a beautiful hiking spot, very high up, and have a few moments of flight before ending it all. I also knew that I would not do an “attempt” as I’d spend years of anguish living with my ex-husband’s threats and attempts at suicide, and I didn’t want to put my family through that roller coaster.
The good news is that I followed my doctor’s advice. Instead of driving to work that Monday morning, I drove myself to the hospital and told them I had a suicidal plan. It was quiet in the emergency room that morning, and they took me right in. I was asked a bunch of questions for intake. I cried a lot. I was given my own box of tissues and taken back to a bed in the emergency room. A guard was brought in to the outside door of the room to be sure I didn’t hurt myself. They asked me if I had anything dangerous on me, but I had only brought my keys, cell phone, and wallet. So they didn’t have me change out of my clothes, but just let me rest there in the room, with occasional stops in for things like getting my blood to make sure I had no alcohol in my system.
While sitting there on the bed and ruminating about my fate in life and how I had nothing to look forward to, I texted my mother to let her know I was “fine” but in the hospital. Not the best way for me to go about it as I think she still panicked a bit. She drove straight there to be with me while we waited to hear from the doctor. I felt her support more than ever that morning. And, indeed, my whole family rallied round via phone calls and texts. It helped to feel the love.
After a few hours in the hospital, they decided I was dealing well enough that I could be discharged, so I went home with explicit instructions to call the PHP program at Good Samaritan’s Mission Oaks hospital a few blocks away. I was also given a note by the doctor that I didn’t have to go back to work for three days. I got home,made the call, and got my appointment with intake for two days away, Wednesday.
After a day and half of relief at not going to work and yet misery in depression, I made it to two appointments that Wednesday. I saw my primary care doctor who doubled my dose of anti-depressant, and I went to intake for the mental health program at the hospital. I was to start the program there the next day, Thursday, at nine in the morning. And I was to go on disability so I would not have to go back to work for a couple months.
The next two weeks was a routine of making it to the program at nine a.m. Monday through Friday. The first fifty minutes included a guided visualization to bring us into the moment of being there each morning and a check-in for each of us in which we answered such questions as what level was our mood (on a scale from one to ten), have we taken our medications as directed, and what topics did we want to bring up in group that day.
After a ten minute break, the ten o’clock class was a group process class with the therapist in which we would discuss our topics and jump in with comments, examples, or advice as needed. It was a fantastic place to work through the problems that beset us.
At eleven in the morning, we had our class. The therapist would go over our thought processes and how to change our way of thinking and looking at things by using cognitive behavioral therapy.
We got an hour lunch, then another process group, and then one more class, often in dialectical behavioral therapy. We were done by three in the afternoon.
After two weeks of this routine, in which we also developed goals and worked through the problems we were dealing with, I was moved to half-day, which meant I was out at noon. I had three weeks of half-days.
Also, throughout this time, I would occasionally be pulled out to be seen by the nurse, or one of the therapists, or the psychiatrist I was assigned to while in the program. We fine-tuned my medications, and I was glad to only need two (and one, to help me with sleeping, is only temporary).
I bonded with everyone in the program. We had people dealing with depression, schizo-affective disorder, bipolar, post-traumatic stress, and anxiety. I was amazed how I would click with someone I never would have thought I would. Many of the other folks were dealing with vocational stress, and we all supported each other. I was able to help others while getting help myself. And, slowly, I started to get my energy back. Things no longer seemed so overwhelming. I felt I could start looking for work again, since I knew I did not want to go back to the hardware store. And I did. But even better, I started to look at what I wanted a new career to be. I was not happy in retail. I didn’t feel creative at all, and I needed a career that either gave me that creativity or allowed me to feel as though I was contributing to society in some meaningful way.
Now that I was ready to start facing the world again, I thought about how I was touched by mental illness so much in my life. So many of my friends and family suffer from depression, manic depression, and chemical dependency. I’d like to help people dealing with these issues. I considered becoming a therapist, but I also knew I wanted a career where I could make some real money, and if I just went that extra step, I could be both therapist and doctor. Only about one percent of psychiatrists also do therapy, but I could be one of those. Or, at the very least, I could be a doctor with a little more “heart” than some of the psychiatrists I’d met over the years. I always loved science, though the last such class I’d had was astronomy twenty-two years ago. But with my new energy, I realized I could go back to school, get my science prerequisites, and apply to medical school. I can be a psychiatrist by the time I’m fifty-one. And, while I complete my prerequisites, I need a job that’s truly nine to five and still pays well. Well, by golly, I have one. At the hardware store. Instead of looking at it as being stuck in a demotion, I now look at it as choosing the job that gives me the money and time to get to med school.
I graduated from the therapy program today. I received a bright yellow certificate that states I completed the process. Everyone in the group spoke up and mentioned how I’d inspired them. They loved my smile and my laugh and my positive temperament. They hope to be in that same mental place when they graduate. I told them they will be. Everyone I’d seen graduate before me was in a better mental state than when they arrived. The program works.
I have the tools, now, to put up needed boundaries and put myself first so that I can truly help others. I know how to talk myself out of negative thoughts. I know how to take baby steps to not allow myself to feel overwhelmed. I know how to say “no.” I’m excited to begin a new journey in my life. While I will miss acting, as I won’t have the time to do so while preparing for and being in med school, I know I’ll get back to it after I graduate with twice the passion for it as I have now. And, more importantly, I have a new career ahead of me. It’s a fantastic one.
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